Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for
I have learned over my lifetime a very important lesson regarding forgiveness. When we chose to forgive someone, it isn’t about them. You are not doing it for them, you do it for YOU! What you carry around with you takes root in the heart and soul and grows, sometimes rapidly and at other times slowly, but it will grow. Good things germinate and bring forth beauty and kindness that shines forth from inside of us. Negative things sprout ugliness that is always visible from the inside outward and make us less than attractive to others. Bitterness, hatred, envy, jealousy, all are bad seeds and grow like weeds within our heart and mind. If we sow and fertilize them daily, they will take over and choke out our good traits. When we forgive it is like weeding our heart’s garden so that our love for others and life are seen, our good qualities and the things that draw others to us. But those dark weeds are stubborn and often we have to go back and tend to the soil again and again to keep them out.
When my ex announced he wanted a divorce, I turned immediately to a woman I had always counted as a special friend. She and I had one of those friendships that could hit rough pavement now and then. We’re both strong personalities and stubborn as mules. We both love deeply and passionately, and we also feel hurt and lash out in passion. Some called us Thelma & Louise when we teamed up because if we were on the same side of something, heaven help those that were not with us. I wish I could say we always acted maturely but like the movie characters we are known to go over board at times. The trouble with us is that there is also always an undercurrent between us that I honestly do not understand. I’ve always felt there is something about me that grates on this friend. Some say it is jealousy, I’ve wondered that at times myself but at the same time just don’t really know why she would be jealous.
My friend is a stronger personality outwardly than I am, she is Louise all over. Louise enjoys the spot light, she is the life of the party wherever she goes. She often says that no one is a stranger to her, just a friend she hasn’t met yet. She embraces a wilder side to life and it suits her very well. She is sexy from head to toe, pretty, and has more spunk than women half her age. She is married to a great guy, has great kids, is a stay at home mom, is creative, funny, and to know her is to love her. I cannot imagine that there would be anything in anyone for which she’d have reason to be jealous.
I wish I could put my finger on what it is but without a doubt every so often something I do or say, or maybe don’t do or say, will set her off and suddenly I am her mortal enemy. Often the things she then says about me behind my back are very unkind and often only shades of the truth with a royal twist on them aimed at driving people away from me. I just don’t understand it and likely never will.
My divorce was far from an ugly one. Oh my attitude toward my husband at the time was ugly, I was in a lot of pain and really was less than kind but I already dealt with all that in other blogs and asked him to read those. But the divorce itself was simple, we didn’t fight over things other than a few heated discussions. It was done through a dissolution, took 30 days, no lawyers, fairly cut and dry. Unfortunately Louise was painting a much different picture to people that made them believe they were going to be dragged into some big ugly court battle that simply was not taking place. She frankly stuck herself in the middle of something that she should not have that only made things worse when Pete and I were struggling to work things out without a fight. Much gasoline was poured on our little fire, in fact, from her and others that meant well but should have steered clear until the dust settled.
Anyway, early on in my saga I pulled myself out of the pit of depression with a little help and decided to focus on those things I could change. Pete wasn’t changing his mind, he wanted out. So I opted to focus on my future and find the silver lining in the storm clouds around me. My life had become a hurricane of emotions and I opted to seek the eye where things were calm. I simply wanted to survive it all with as little damage as possible so I began to look at the positives like my new home and living arrangements, my new freedoms, my new job, and I found myself able to be happy about those things despite my heart breaking. I blogged about it all, sharing my thoughts and perspectives on things. Louise suddenly blind sided me by dropping me from her Facebook, Twitter etc. leaving me stunned. When I inquired about it she told me my blogs were too arrogant and full of ego, and she felt I was painting a picture about my happiness that simply was not the case. On top of losing my husband, home, and all that encompassed, I lost my friend and I was completely puzzled.
Louise went on to tell folks that I have written shitty things in my blogs about her, yet I would challenge anyone to show me those blogs. I have expressed confusion but never said shitty things about her in blogs, on Facebook or Twitter. Certainly if she or anyone else can find these particular blogs I will happily double check them and if I was being shitty I will apologize. But I don’t believe they exist, they never have. I don’t believe Louise can begin to understand where I was, know that kind of pain I endured and still deal with in all of this. I pray she never knows what it would be like to have her ‘favorite’ man exit her life for good, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
So it is Louise I need to forgive.
I forgive her for taking sides in ‘fight’ she had no dog in and only pieces of the story, and certainly only seemed concerned about one side of it and that wasn’t mine.
I forgive her for telling friends and prospective friends that if they involved themselves with me that my ex would bring them to court to testify (I spoke to the ex who seemed as perplexed as me as to that story).
I forgive her for turning her back on me and referring to me as her ‘bad former friend’.
I forgive her for everything and anything mean, shitty, vindictive, half true, twisted, whatever it is she has done or said regardless of her intent, since this messy chapter of my life began, even the scathing hateful email sent to a prospective male (yep he told me)…for everything and anything…
I forgive you, Louise. It is all that I can do, and continue to pray for you, that you will always be blessed with every good thing and a man that will continue to love you from the bottom of his heart, ALL your good and less than good parts, because that is true love. And I know you love him that way too.
I miss you, Queenie, keep living well. I will still always count you as a friend.