**DISCLAIMER: The following has been rated PG-13 for language and subject matter**
The week ahead of me involves purging things from my life. This is the first of several pruning posts to come.
There comes a time every so often when we need to rethink things, evaluate where we are, sort through the good and the bad, and remove those things that just need to go from our lives because they are cluttering it up or like weeds are strangling our growth. I’ve been having a time of self evaluation of late, some of my posts have eluded to that, and in a recent post I remarked that I was refocusing. It has become time to grab the virtual pruning sheers and remove some things from my life that are keeping me from growing and moving forward, or may just be unneeded or annoying. I also have some planting and fertilizing to do in many areas of my life.
Last night I realized just how rattled I had been throughout the process of my divorce, especially in the initial weeks and months after my world imploded around me. I’ve known Pete 23 years last month, we married 10 months later. SO while I knew him just under 23 years, we were married just under 22 years. Wasn’t an intentional mistake I just miscalculated. I admit clarity of thought in certain details was shot to hell after he told me he wanted out. I was also off a week as to when it was told to me by my then prince charming that he wanted out. He actually told me on Friday, January 15th. I can confirm that because of an elaborate lie he constructed. He created an email address for an instructor at Cincinnati State that often used his assistance for classes, then emailed our home email address to ask for assistance for the lab on 1/14. Then he left the house dressed for class. By the time he returned that night I had discovered it was a fake email address and he later confessed he was in a hotel, supposedly writing and crying building up to tell me he wanted out. His eyes were not puffy or showed any signs of tears when he came home, and if you know Pete you know he doesn’t write a damn thing down. My suspicion is he was with his 26yo ER nurse but he’d rather lie to the world than have anyone question his integrity. Never mind the elaborate lie he concocted to get out of the house that night. The next day he told me he wanted a divorce. Nice one. In the following weeks when deciding how we’d divide up debts and property he told me I could continue in the swinger lifestyle and attend the swingers club, that he was leaving it all behind, he wanted to find someone that could love him, that didn’t want to share him or be shared.
NOW STOP THE F-ING TRUCK RIGHT THERE! I found that very interesting considering how we landed in the swinger lifestyle. For years he shared a fantasy of wanting to watch me with others, men or women. It bothered me a lot when he shared that, I even expressed that I couldn’t fathom how he could love and treasure me if he wanted to share me, it didn’t make sense. I was assured over and over again that this was in his mind very hot and that I was adored and treasured. I should have known better coming from the man that had an Adult Friend Finder account when I was in night school and was meeting other women looking for booty buddies. But he SWEARS that he never did anything with the women he met (yeah and my mother is the Virgin Mary). I should have divorced his sorry ass back then, but we were so active in our church and I had been taught forgiveness…and I loved him despite his faults so I stuck it out. DUMB DUMB DUMB move.
I found some areas in the swinger lifestyle that worked for me, I loved planning events and I very much loved promoting them, and others events. Promotion I am very good at, I fit into marketing things very well. But the playing side, it never was quite my thing. I never really found any men or women to be anyone that I wanted to play with, and this was source of tension for me and hubby. See, most couples in the lifestyle are ‘full swap’ and only play with other couples. And I’ll be totally honest that a good portion of men in the lifestyle married up…way up. Their wives were hot but them…not so much. The lifestyle is ruled by the woman, if they don’t like someone, it simply isn’t going to happen. Because so many would only play with couples, many women hubby wanted to be playing with were off limits to him because I wasn’t going to play with their spouses. I tried that, taking one for the team, and it wasn’t really a good experience. I refused to do it again so since the women he wanted had hubbies I did not want, it didn’t work out well. I loaned him out to couples looking for 3-ways but that was the best I could do. All told in our many years and meeting hundreds of people, there were no men that did anything for me. I really was not that into the play end. Pete on the other hand never had a problem, if she was reasonably cute and flirty, he was there.
We began to see lifestyle friend’s marriages around us failing right and left, easily 2 dozen in the past 3 or 4 years. That worried me and more than once I asked him if he could walk away from the lifestyle and go back to just me and him. He indicated that he did not think so. 50% of marriages are said to end in divorce, and many would say in the lifestyle it is less. However in the same time frame I saw 2 marriages outside of the lifestyle fail. Just 2. I’m no longer convinced that divorce happens less within the lifestyle. And I find it interesting that the one of us that spent years sharing that fantasy and then telling me how much he enjoyed it watching me and playing, and he couldn’t see himself giving it up, suddenly decided he wanted to find someone to love him alone, be his alone and be only theirs. He HAD that, I was more than willing, I adored him, loved him, he was everything to me and I’d have walked far away from it all had he said he wanted that.
Meanwhile I admit, there were times in very raw pain throughout the months leading up to the divorce that I lashed out and threatened to go for everything in the divorce. I was hurting so much and wanted to inflict something on Pete. Not real nice I know, but if you are not walking in my shoes, don’t judge it. Those that have judged me for my behavior throughout the past 10 months, I really hope you never know what it was like, because believe me it was unimaginable agony to go through.
I went back to try the lifestyle as a single female. After the divorce was final I went to the club again, I felt it was a respect issue to the marriage and my kids to wait until I was legally divorced. I tried it, it did NOT work for me, I wasn’t truly happy in it before and even less so as a single.
I’ve had a lot of time to think things through and I know what I want and don’t want. I don’t want to be shared, I want to be a priceless treasure in someone’s life. I don’t want to share what is mine when it comes to intimacy. While I believe most men are truly pigs, there are some out there that are able to love ONE woman, be with just one woman, and not cheat on that one woman. I am willing to wait for that, and if I never find it, at least I won’t feel like a used piece of meat.
So yes, that means I am leaving the lifestyle behind me. I’ve been out now for a bit, but wanted to make it official. My profiles are empty and those sites willing too have deleted them entirely. I won’t be back. I had fun, made some great friends, and I believe also that it did in fact blur the lines and MAY have been a small, contributing factor to my marriage failing after Pete’s expressed desire to find someone that was just his.