30 Day Letter Writing Challenge
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
I know I said I was not going to mention you in my blogs anymore, but I did give the ‘unless it is positive’ disclaimer. Besides, when this topic came up you were the most recent best friend so you won by default.
I don’t know if my suspicions and all the rumors and ‘scoops’ given to me about you near the end of our marriage were true or not, but that is all water under the bridge. I know nothing happens that is not meant too and for whatever reason, the time for the end of our marriage came about. I know I reacted poorly on many occasions throughout that process of hearing from you that you wanted out and up until very recently, I’m just not sure how a person is supposed to react when they think everything is wonderful and their dream suddenly explodes into a pile of smoking debris.
First let me say that I’m very sorry for anything and everything I did or said in the past 23 years of knowing each other that brought pain or added suffering to your life. I am far from perfect as you more than anyone else on this planet well knows. I tried in my human imperfection to be the best wife to you that I could be, and I know that I failed in so many ways, miserably. It is no secret that I’m an over achiever when it comes to failures. But hopefully in that 90% you say was good about us and our marriage, you have some sweet, wonderful, and beautiful memories. I certainly do! I also hope that you are able to forgive me where I fell short.
You were a good husband in many ways. You always worked very hard to keep a roof over our heads when you were able to work, often through intense pain physically. No one can ever say you were less than a driven soul when it came to work, you always gave way more of yourself than you were compensated for, and it is commendable.
You were and are an outstanding dad, first to Michael who you loved like your own, and then to Liesl. Both were very fortunate to have you there and I hope that they know this as much as I do. I know you weren’t perfect, but you did excel far more than you know.
You were also my best friend, like you will never know. You kept me safe, warm, and well taken care of over the years. You tolerated my imperfections as best you could, I am well aware. And you will never know and understand this, but the best thing you did for me was send me away. At the time I didn’t see that, but now I see the good that has come and is coming from that. No, not interested in reconciling, I never wish to be married to you again, I am not the one that will ever be able to bring joy and peace to your life, but someone out there will!
I am sorry that somehow I missed the attempts you made to tell me of my issues. I am sorry that it took you leaving the marriage for me to see the damage I had done to your heart over the years. I have those under control now and I’m a better person for the shocking reality I finally faced. Nope, didn’t face it with the grace a class I aim for in life but then you know how hard-headed I can be at times. 🙂 I also learned some hard lessons in this past year about my inability to drink without being an emotion charged stick of TNT.
You were right about so much that I am sorry now I didn’t give heed too. A year of mourning and adjustments, and now renewed faith has brought much to light for me. So this one last time I did feel the need to talk to/about you in my blog.
I wish you all the best, with all sincerity. I hope you find someone who can make you very happy, you deserve that. And some day, for the sake of our kids and grandkids to be, I hope we can one day be friends again. You were the center of my world, and I keep a special place in my heart for you. I still pray for your safety when I hear the sirens. You were a great friend, a good husband, a great dad and over all really a great man.
The past is done, water under the bridge, buried. Here’s to the future and happiness! Stay safe out there, Mike and Liesl still need their daddy!
With much fondness,