If you do not live in this area, you really miss out on the fun of watching the panic that will set in as SNOWPOCOLYPSE decends. Sometimes called White Death. Known to most of the nation simply as SNOW. Yes snow, that stuff that happens in winter. It is a typical occurrence here in the Cincinnati area, snow happens in winter. But you’d think we lived in the Florida Keys and never seen the stuff before the way things will progress here.
It starts at the local news level, where I believe some sort of kick backs from grocery stores must take place. For days out the weather men will begin predicting the coming snow storm (of 3 inches of snow) like they report on a pending hurricane on the coast. The way people will react to the news you’d think that is exactly the level of catastrophe we’re looking at taking place. As the doom draws near, the panic begins and by the night before the big event, insanity has taken over the minds of otherwise intelligent individuals.
Tomorrow there is a weather forecast of a ‘really big snow’. Yes, this one is above average, we might get up to 7 or 8 inches of snow. I’ll wait while readers in areas such as Buffalo, NY, laugh to the point of tears. *insert pause* This type of snow fall here will paralyze this town. In Buffalo and other areas I doubt it is even news that it snows. Here, it is the leading story for days on end. Because the snow is due here tomorrow, today is the day to get a front row seat at the grocery store. In fact, park every extra car you own in the lot. Anywhere will do, just go lay claim now to those spots. You’ll thank me this evening when you can sell those spots for about $20 a piece to the fearful coming to wipe out the grocery store.
Ah yes, the grocery store. Out there, somewhere, is a winter survival guide that lists French Toast as the staple food to get one through a really bad blizzard. I know this because by 10pm this evening there will be no bread, milk or eggs to be found in this city. I have yet to figure out what else can be made from those 3 ingredients, but I am not exaggerating when I say the shelves will be empty. You would be lucky to find a package of out dated, moldy hot dog buns at the back of what was once a well stocked bread aisle. Hens cannot hope to keep up with the demand for eggs, and the cows will be drained dry. It is frankly pathetic. Really folks, if we are going to be snowed in for any length of time, what good are 10 loaves of bread, 8 dozen eggs and 5 gallons of milk??? Why not steak, potatoes, some veggies, dessert (ice cream!), a few cases of beer and a few dozen bottles of wine, some snacks and a bunch of fire wood? That sounds like better choices to me. Just saying.
I have lived in this city for 47 years. I’ve survived the blizzards of 77 and 78. Snow emergencies were declared at level 3, no one but the emergency personnel (cops, EMS, fire) were permitted on the roads (mandatory snow days for adults are the best!), and at no time were we close to starving. Possible death by BOREDOM perhaps but not from being snowed in, trapped, lost in white death. WE HAVE SNOW PLOWS!!!! We have salt trucks!! And within 24 hours the roads will, for the most part, be reasonable.
I won’t drive in the bad stuff, my car is paid off and it is rear wheel drive. I’m not stupid enough to chance it. But I will NOT panic. I will curl up in a chair, sip hot cocoa & coffee, in my slippers and jammies and watch the deer that frequent our back yard, and watch the snow fall.
What I won’t be doing is watching local stations on TV. Our local news media will report on the snow fall as if the Lord is returning. From the time the first flake floats gracefully down to earth it will be wall to wall coverage of SNOW FALLING! Every local news station will have every available reporter standing in various parking lots and at intersections throughout the city to report what we might not be aware of…OMGITISSNOWING!!!! Yep, I am not kidding, this is big news. I’ve said it before, if the world was coming to an end, a meteor was headed on a crash course with the earth and we were about to be destroyed before the dinner hour, we in the greater Cincinnati area would be blissfully ignorant of the impending death because OMGITISSNOWING!!!!! Snowpocolypse is news here, BIG news. If you are hoping to catch The Ellen Show, The View or The Young And The Restless, give it up. God forbid the news would break away for the day from reporting that roads are getting slick and the snow is coming down. A fact that everyone in the city aside from those under anesthesia for surgery will be well aware of simply by looking out a window!!! This will continue until the last flake falls and the roads have been cleared, usually within about 24-36 hours.
Someone is shaking our snow globe!!! Run, Chicken Little, buy bread, milk, eggs!! The sky will be falling!!!