I’m in a funk.
I know, but trust me us eternal optimists hit a funk now and then despite all the silver linings we can find.
Just happens once in a while. I’ll snap out of it.
Looking back at this time last year, I was in a relationship with Mr. Wonderful. He really did help me grow and see myself in a better light than I had since being told that my marriage had reached its expiration date. It was the second time in life our paths had crossed, and that time we let things unfold and discovered the feelings we suspected were there years earlier still there and very real. And completely wrong as he belonged to another. His story is just tragic and sad to me. I hope he is able to break free and enjoy life and just be happy. But that will require him getting out of a loveless marriage that has been that way for oh so many years. We’ve remained good friends and still talk now and then, encourage each other’s walk and faith.
This is my second year in the past 24, that I’m celebrating Christmas without Ebenezer Scrooge. 22 years of being married to the partner of Jacob Marley could put a little black rain cloud over the holidays. While the Count turned out to be the Grinch, all is good and I won’t let it get me down for Christmas. Once again we’ve got the house all decorated, and it looks beautiful. Fire in the fireplace, relaxing and enjoying this time as a family. Time before 2 Divas will go out of here and we’ll be down to us three older chicks. One is moving out after the holidays, and one enlisted in the Marines and will head off to basic in July. Yep, in a year the landscape of your life does change, often dramatically. Next year the youngest Diva will be away from home with the Marines and not here with us.
In the past year my heart was held by 3 men, and all of them managed to break it. One because we didn’t mean to have things go from friends to lovers but it did, and he (Mr. Wonderful) was not free to pursue us. And I didn’t know that at the time, that important piece was never shared I discovered it on my own. The Superhero never meant to break it, the timing was just wrong. Again, good friend that I dearly love and knows all he has to do is call and I’m there to drink a few and hang out. And then there is the Count. That one is a just a big ass mystery to me to go from planning the future to nothing over night. And now the gift I was working on for him for Christmas is sitting in the bag in my closet, partially completed and I haven’t the desire to finish it. My hook and yarn are therapy for me, and there is great love and many prayers that go into every stitch of anything I make for another person. There is no joy in that bag now, just a reminder of what isn’t to be. My Camelot didn’t work out so well, King Arthur let me down. I should just finish it for me, but it wasn’t supposed to be for me! Or maybe finish it and mail it to him since it was specifically for him and I sure don’t want it. *sigh*
Sir Lancelot and a number of other knights have let me know of their interest, but Guinevere just isn’t sure. Oh there is a desire to try again, but my heart just isn’t ready, not yet. Then again life is short. Decisions…..what to do?
Then there is the Avon vs. childcare. I’m down to one baby during the day, and an 8yo before and after school. I will have a friend’s 2 but just one day a week to give her a day a week for herself while hubby is deployed and she finishes school. In the summer I won’t have them, just during the school year. So..take on a few more kids or really dive in to Avon and try to get things up where I need them? Hard choice really. Avon would pay off in the long run, but in the short term my son is getting married in 3 months and mama needs to cough up half of the money for the rehearsal dinner and a dress. Babysitting full time and working Avon at night and on weekends is the safer choice but doesn’t leave me much ME time at all. ARGH!
I know, the funk will pass and I’ll figure it all out as I go, just like I always do.
But still…in the funk at the moment, and just feeling kinda BLAH.