I’ve been negligent of late in writing you, but it really doesn’t matter that much as I’ve stopped looking for you, at least for this year. This whole no dating thing for 2012 has been amazing, I am enjoying being just me. There is freedom in allowing myself to be ridiculous when I feel like it. Like today, I was in bed until nearly 9am and no one to give me grief for wasting the day. I desperately needed the sleep. And now? I’m a vision of beauty sitting here in a neon pink sport bra and black, fleece jammie pants that have pink coffee cups all printed on them. Well I AM beautiful as I am freshly showered, have on my makeup and styled the sassy red hair. Not to mention the shower gel, lotion, skin softner, deodorant and cologne are all the same scent, as always. Have my long, sexy nails still, nose ring sparkling in the sunshine. Yes, a true vision even if a bit curvier that I should be. I’m sexy that way.
I’ve been contemplating love a lot lately. That happens when you go to a wedding, especially one in which you are playing a staring role, as the Mother Of The Groom. Granted it is more of a supporting role, but I was all class, just like I know you’d be proud of, in the end I always do the right thing, the classy thing, and rise above the bottom feeders. Enough said.
Anyway in contemplating love I realized that love is accepting. That doesn’t mean all approving, but when you love someone, really love them, you accept who and what they are, and you don’t withhold your affection in order to mold them or change them. That isn’t love, that is control. I didn’t condone everything about the previous spouse. And while I didn’t always like everything about him, I accepted him and his OCD ways, controlling nature and stubbornness when it came to everything had to be HIS way, despite my own desires. I stayed, stuck it out and remained faithful. Believe me he and every other man I have loved, have some damned unlovable characteristics, we ALL do. But those vows, they weren’t empty words to me. I’m a woman of honor and integrity and I took every word quite seriously. When I again make those promises, in my mind they are binding for life, as they are meant to be. Not until one of us finds someone else more appealing or gives up trying to make it work. I don’t give up. If I make the decision to spend my life with you, it means I’ve determined I am able to accept you as you are and who you are through and through. I will not commit to you if I cannot accept you or your way of life. It would not be right.
When you love someone, and take on such important promises, you find a way to make it work. You accept that the person you are committing to is not perfect. If we were perfect we would not be very interesting. It is our imperfections that make us a unique treasure. It is very easy to love someone for who they are, but when you love someone, you love them for everything that they are NOT as well. THAT, my darling, is where the rubber of real love meets the road of commitment. And you help them to become better people. This is rarely accomplished by bailing on the relationship. You support their dreams, even if it is a neck tattoo that might make employment difficult to find. Remember, it is THEIR dream. You want them to be supportive of your dreams too, correct?
My point would be, do not try to change me. Only I get to do that. I get so tired of men telling me that they don’t want a woman who tries to change them and who or what they are, yet one mention of my wanting a new tattoo or to dye my hair and they freak the hell out and try to tell me NO. My hair, my skin, MY decision. Not yours. The last ass clown I was in love with (yes, The Count – Count Tyrant would fit – there was NO honey in the baked egotistical ham) tried to tell me that if I was going to be a part of his family I needed to get used to having my picture taken, even though I HATE having my picture taken. He has his dreams of owning a bed and breakfast, a location for it, everything based on him, his family, and what HE wanted and dreamed. I totally supported it all and was quite willing to work side by side with him, though it was never to be of any benefit to my children if we married, only his and his grandchildren. Pity he didn’t feel as strongly about supporting what I wanted. He didn’t want anyone in his circles to know of my fun, colorful past (swinger) etc., or that I had tattoos. I wasn’t to dye my hair, no more “littering my body with ink” etc. He told me often how much he loved me, and even gave me little gifts to express that love. But that ‘love’ was nothing more than trying to mold me to be what he wanted. He must have failed to realize that I don’t come with a menu of options to chose from, I am who I am. Period.
I’ve really a need to find a man that wants me for who I am and is willing to give me the freedom to be ME, rather than try to make me like him. If you love me you love who I am inside, the part of me that you see when you close your eyes, or the room is pitch black…the person INSIDE. The outside package will change as I change, and with age. While I will have preferences in your appearance, I will never say ‘NO’, after all it is YOUR body. If I love you, it is for who you are and are not on the inside and the outside.
Accept the outside, or you will never have the inside, which is where the true treasure of who I am is kept. You must prove yourself worthy to get there, you can thank all those who broke my heart ahead of you for the fortress surrounding it now. Patience, and proof that you are not like them, is the only way to hold my heart.
Much love to you, whoever you are,