Dear Future Mr. Marvi Marti,
Gosh I love that…Mr. Marvi Marti. You see, it is likely that is what you will be known by, as I am just that much of an over powering presence. I tend to out shine, out last, out speak, out love, out argue etc, any man in my life. I am quite a force to be reckoned with, no doubt.
Speaking of “out love any man”, however, yes we DO need to talk about that part at some point and now is as good a time as any, as to date the position is still open for the future Mister. This is because as of now, if someone likes it, they haven’t put a ring on it. You know the song.
Monday marked what would have been my 24th wedding anniversary to Lord Voldemort. Yes, by the way, it is said in fun so just get the hell over it, oh readers who love to run tell him what I write about him. He doesn’t give a rats ass and I say it in complete fun. Sorry, dear ex-hubster, if your “friends” feel the need to report what I write, perhaps it is time to trade them in for ones who respect your ‘claimed’ wishes to not tell you. And SO sorry, future one of mine, I hijack my own posts once in a while, get used to it. I’m told it is A.D.D.
My dear, future spouse, you must accept something very important. I was married for 2 weeks shy of 22 years. In that time I went from loving my spouse, being in love with him, to loving him with every fiber of my being, every cell in me. It didn’t come about over night though. That kind of love grows through many trials and difficulties, and many more happy good times. Nearly losing him 3 times to death grew that love which is why I stayed through the shit storm life seemed to always throw our way. Watching him be a daddy, comforting our children, those sights burned that love into my heart. Supporting him and watching him achieve dreams, it carved him deeper into my heart. Yes, to this day I love that man very much, that will simply not change. True, real love doesn’t die. And that is why the divorce was so painful and still is for me, knowing that the love that I had for him was one sided. He loved me, but not like I loved him. Not with the kind of love that comes from every part of someone, that keeps promises made, the love that never gives up and stays when someone is most unlovable (rest assured he was very unlovable at times and is not the saintly husband some think – and you can bet I can play a tie ball game in that regard). To know that you gave someone your best years, love from the core of your being, only to have them toss it aside like a waded up receipt, that kind of pain you just don’t bounce back from in 2 years time. When I looked up and saw the date, 8/13, I cried all over again. I miss the man that held me when I cried over losses, who snored softly beside me when he slept, who made me laugh at stupid, silly things, was the object of my fantasies, and made me excited just by the sound of him pulling in the driveway. The man who could raise my desire simply by touching me.
That part of my heart is now very much closed. I don’t know that I can ever love on that level again. No, it is not impossible, but it is highly unlikely. Because when you lose the person you loved that much….it is a pain beyond words. It hurt to even breathe. No, it doesn’t hurt quite that badly now, but I’m still pretty raw and vulnerable on those depths. I’m not sure we can love like that more than once in a lifetime. Because self preservation closes those depths in the heart and seals them over. To hurt the deeply more than once…well frankly the thought is unbearable to me.
I can love you, be your best friend, companion, cheer leader. I can and will be faithful, there will be only you if we make a commitment. But the deepest part of my heart is not within anyone’s reach. Even the one I loved that much could never hope to pry that place open again. That is why, should hell freeze over and he ever wanted to patch things up, the answer would be a concrete NO WAY IN HELL. For one, I could never trust him again. And of course, that love I had is locked up so tightly away now, my heart could never freely give it again to someone who threw it away.
I will use everything left in me to love, cherish and adore the man I marry, should I ever go that route again. If that is not enough, then my dear man, I am not the one for you. Keep looking for what you seek and I hope you are able to find it. If you want someone who keeps those promises made in the wedding vows, “through richer or poorer, good times and bad, sickness and in health….” yada yada yada, then please, pursue that road with me. I honor my vows and take them very seriously.
It’s MY heart, and even if I thought I could love on the level again, I don’t know that I would, and that is my right.