I want to go on record here and say this: The Biker is a great guy. Really he is. A heart of gold that is giving to a fault. He loved me completely, didn’t try to change who I am, wanted me to soar free and true to myself. He even encouraged my eccentric side, appreciating my pink hair and desire for more ink. He loved my passion even when it was in the form of a royal hissy fit, he simply loved me down off the edge. He did his best to take care of me and my various needs. But it wasn’t ‘right’ for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love him, but not that sweep me off my feet, full hearted, kind of love that can stand the fires of trials that will inevitably come along in life. The love that grows old together in rocking chairs on the porch. The very last thing I wanted was to break his heart, and not only once but twice now. I broke it off before but went back. See, I really do love him and care about him, and tried to make the 2 pieces of the puzzle that are The Biker and The Marvelous One, fit perfectly. But they don’t. It is a good thing that we did not get married in July as was the plan at one point. Had we done that I’d have made the best of things, holding to my vows and living life trying my best to be what he needed and wanted in a wife. But I’d never have been able to love with my whole heart, and that simply is not fair to him. He deserves a woman that feels about him, the way he feels about me.
This is not the first time someone fell for me pretty much from first sight and then hard as time went by. Like others he has wanted and loved me from a distance until I was available. No, not being arrogant, I just am one of those women that men seem to get all wrapped up in, they all tell me how they just knew I was the one from the first time they see a photo, meet me etc. They tell me I am amazing, sexy, fun, passionate, full of life, the total package. Then they all hit the ground running over time, I am a force of nature, very strong in personality and I do not bend easily. Some call it stubborn, I prefer to call it strong willed. The ex called it emotional, the Biker called it passionate. Whatever it is, I’m not an easy woman to love. The Biker loved me anyway and would have been happy to keep me, but I had to be honest that it just wasn’t there on my side.
Part of Plan B is getting my mojo back on my Avon business and staying focused. The relationship derailed me for a while. Direct sales can be a lot of work at first and as this is my full time job, I need to actually treat this as a job and work it. I love what I do and embrace it. I also am now a representative for SwissJust. It will be work too. So working 20-25 hours a week on each means full time in direct sales and that means I have to focus.
Another part of Plan B is getting back to what I love…writing! I have 3 blogs that have been neglected for a while. Time to blow the dust off of my laptop and get back to my love of writing. It takes several hours a week to keep up with them, not to mention my desire to write novels and it is time to get the ideas out of my head and into writing.
My faith has been part of Plan A, but on the back shelf. Not anymore, it is back on the priority shelf with Plan B. I’m returning to my bible studies and getting back into women’s bible study on Friday mornings. Leaning toward returning to my former church again, it isn’t perfect for me but the doctrine is very sound and that matters more than anything else.
Tomorrow evening I start my kick boxing class. 2 nights a week for 1 hour each I will be in class kicking my way to better fitness. And I will get back to walking again too a few mornings a week. I NEED to get my weight back down and get in shape. I’m not getting any younger, in fact I am going to be 50 in the spring, time to do something NOW.
All this activity aside, priority one is my family! I have a granddaughter now, 7yo and full of energy and giggles. I have a grandson on the way due around the holidays. When I’m not doing all this other stuff I am crocheting things for the baby and my granddaughter.
I’m happy pursuing Plan B right now. I’m not sure where to fit a relationship into all this that is currently on my schedule. Dinner and a few beers, sure I can do that. But I don’t have the time to give to someone, to nurture love and the relationship. If I felt I was missing out on something right now, that I NEEDED a man in my life, and the right one came along, then I’d adjust accordingly. But that is the issue, I’m not feeling like I need one.
So, make no mistake, my beloved Biker will always be a very dear friend, and will make some woman a very cherished and adored princess, but it won’t be me. Being cherished and adored was wonderful, but I cannot give back what is not in my heart to give. If there is a Mr. Right for me, he’ll find me. Until then, I’m living my Plan B and loving life!